My children. They can't live without each other. But sometimes, it feels like they can't live with each other either, at least not without fighting, hitting, and annoying each other constantly! Whew. It's enough to wear a Mama out.
I really struggle with what to do with all the fussing and arguing.
Scenario One: All three kids playing upstairs. (me downstairs trying to get something done) Andrew starts screaming and crying and pitching a fit. Hannah could have hit him, taken a toy he thought he wanted, or even just looked at him wrong.
Do I: A. Run upstairs, break it up, and spank them all for not getting along. B. Call out from downstairs for them to play nicely or they will get in trouble. C. Do nothing and let them work on resolving the issue themselves.
I have done plan A many times, but then it seems I keep getting tattles that "Andrew looked mean at me" or "Hannah took my toy!" Instead of them trying to work it out. I want them to be able to problem solve, but how early to I start training them to do this?
Scenario Two: Fussing, fighting, and arguing (at the table, watching tv, in the car, WHEREVER!)
Do I: A. Step in right away and break it up, and spank them all. B. Wait until the arguing reaches more of a climax (we all have little squabbles once in awhile right?) or C. Use words to encourage them to play nicely.
Sigh. I can feel myself getting so frustrated with it all, I want to put them in time out for the WHOLE DAY or make them play in separate rooms, eat at different times, etc. What's a mom to do?
What do you Moms of multiple children do?
3 Comments:
Hey Joanna,
I wish I would have learned a lot more from Rhonda Ellis when my kids were toddlers but I have made up a lot of ground with some nuggets of wisdom i have picked up from her in a couple ladies nights out.
First off, I put myself in the situation before it starts (not everyday but when I fell the fighting is heavy, takes time away from getting things done but the heart is more important).
I play with them, get them to do something they normally fight over and wait for the fight to start. Then when the argument starts I really try my hardest to, as Mrs. Ellis would put it, COACH THEIR RESPONSES TO ONE ANOTHER, tell them what to say, correcting tone and how they should react. Also make sure they are looking into each others eyes..
Take a couple days to really be involved with their activities that they are together. I hope Mrs. Ellis responds lol. She is so wise when it comes to a peaceful home with children that really know how to speak kind to one another.
Silly, but an example, if i could go back in time and retrain my kids simply how to ask for juice. Sounds small but when they first learned the word 'juice' i got so excited and all they had to do was say 'juice' and i would give it to them. Yes, i encouraged please but looking back (knowing they wouldn't say it all correctly) i wished i would have coached their response! After they say "juice" I should have said to them "Mommy, Can I please have some Juice" I know that sounds silly but having 5 year olds command me around got old fast, "Give me Drink" Or I'm Thirsty seemed so rude. I have had to do the whole "mommy, I am thirsty can you please make me some milk? or Mommy, can i please have some juice?
I know that wasn't about fighting but the same thing is used. My kids ask for things way more politely then they used to.
I am reading Peacemaking for Families. Daniel and I are really peaceful toward one another but I am praying that the conversation between the kids and the adults and the kids themselves will be peaceful and not just snapping and survival lol.
I think you've been at my house, only replace "Andrew" with "Zach" ;-) You arent alone! I have found myself putting toys in time out when they are fighting over it. I usually give one warning "If you two can't play with it together, I'm putting the toy in time out" And then, i do. I recently heard a mom say they have to earn the toy back. I like that idea, btu haven't done it yet.
I often ignore it as much as possible, unless they sound like they're hurt. for one, I want them to learn to solve problems/disagreements on their own. 2- Because I know my Hannah will cry about ANYTHING- drama queen! And usually, it stops within 30 seconds, but she will milk it if I come in there.
I've heard consistency is key, but well, I'm awful at that so I can't speak on it really...
And as much as I hate the mess it creates, I often try to get them to bring the toy in the den so I can supervise it better. Then we get to practice being good cleaner uppers ;-)
I remember my mom use to make us hug and say I love you to each other. Not sure how well that worked, but worth a try...
I think Ashlee gave some good advice though. I'm going to have to try that.
And then, when I'm REALLY done with the fighting, like today, I take them outsdie, even though it's pouring rain. They dotn care it's raining, they havent fought but once, and I'm much happier now because I've had some "quiet" just sitting on the deck while supervising them.
Not sure if any will help, because it doesnt always help me, but you are NOT alone!
Read "Dont make me count to three" by ginger plowman. I got mine at the book nook for $1 (I think).short book and very practical. It gives scripture to specific scenarios like yours. basically you have to get to the heart of the child. they have all sinned. usually due to selfishness. they do need to learn to solve the problems themselves but you have to help them by role playing it out. hard work. I get sick of my kids arguing too. we play out the gospel of christ daily: I or you have sinned, forgive me, I forgive you.
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